Cravings

Have you ever had the unexplainable urge for a Slim Jim and a Mistic? I never did, until yesterday around 1:00 PM. In the past 13 years, I've probably consumed two Slim Jims, total. Both of them have been in the past week. And Mistic? A Snapple-like juice drink that I haven't had since 1996. But for some reason I just could not concentrate on my work and go on with my day until I drove to the Chevron station and consumed both of them, together.

Sure enough, once both were safely in my stomach, my brain let me get to work again. They weren't even particularly good, but I simply HAD to gave them, THAT INSTANT. I can't explain it. Even if the rumors are true and the Marlboro cigarette people are putting tobacco leaves in the Slim Jim sausage presses, it doesn't explain how this craving came out of nowhere. Pregnancy can be safely ruled out, but I'm clueless after that.

Keep Bush Off Uranus!

FIRST EARTH

NOW MERCURY

TUNA, PLANETS AND THE REST OF THE UNIVERSE IN REAL DANGER FROM THE PRESIDENT.

His policies have scorched the Earth and now his EPA is trying to weaken controls on tuna pollution on Mercury. Now I have no idea how we know how much pollution there is on Mercury, but if Bush is trying to stop controlling it, it couldn't be good.

Earth, Mercury...and even though he skipped Mars, the President seems to be on a direct path for the Sun. The neocon administration Mr. Bush formed to drive his brand of American politic down the throats of anyone in the way, may soon smash their sordid democracy express right into 200 billion watts of solid burn. We don't mean to cast aspersions, but where is all of this leading us? The answer is obvious. Armageddon, or worse...Deep Impact.

First the planets. Then the Sun. Not that losing the Sun would shake Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Perle, and probably Bruce Willis, from following their contemptible course. Even with the inevitable obliteration of far-reaching planets like Pluto and Uranus, the Bush administration has the ole military eyeball not only on our regional solar system and galaxy, but it's not beyond the realm of possibility that the Bush-backed-neocon goal is democratizing the entire Universe.

What every American as well as every alien that will be affected must ask, "Who is behind this maddening Republican policy gone...mad?" Just connect the dots, er...ellipses. It would be laughably obvious, if it weren't so damn seriously obvious: Bush...Cheney...Halliburton.

Bush and his co-conspirators twisted the facts and the world lost thousands of innocent lives in Iraq just to get the cafeteria contract for it's old buddies. Let's not let history repeat itself. We could end up well done and served up by Halliburton.

Tell President Bush to get serious about doing what we know he should do about not damaging one more planet.

Keep Bush Off Uranus and
Other Parts of Our Solar System!

---

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plan to destroy the planets and possibly the entire universe.

Here
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Make your check out to MoveOnPlease.org. You gift of $10 or more entitles you to a year's subscription of the annually published MoveOnPlease.org "It's All Bush's Fault."

Snootchie bootchies!

Ten years after original, Kevin Smith plans 'Clerks' sequel
Monday, August 30, 2004 Posted: 9:32 AM EDT (1332 GMT)

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Kevin Smith is making another convenience store run.
The writer-director of "Dogma," "Chasing Amy" and "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" told the Associated Press on Friday that he has begun work on a sequel to "Clerks," his homemade indie classic from 1994.

That $27,000 movie, shot at night in a store where Smith worked, chronicled the adventures of Dante and Randal, two guys who talk about life, death, sex and movies while working at neighboring stores.

The sequel picks up 10 years later.

"It's about what happens when that lazy, 20-something malaise lasts into your 30s. Those dudes are kind of still mired, not in that same exact situation, but in a place where it's time to actually grow up and do something more than just sit around and dissect pop culture and talk about sex," Smith said during an interview at his Hollywood office. "It's: What happened to these dudes?"

A new 10th anniversary DVD of "Clerks" debuts September 7, and Smith said working on that three-disc set inspired him to write about what became of those characters.

The sequel -- titled "The Passion of the Clerks" -- is set to begin shooting in January. Miramax Films, which turned the original into a cult-hit after buying it at the Sundance Film Festival, plans to distribute the follow-up.

"It's funny, it's very raw, insanely foul-mouthed. In many ways it's the antithesis of 'Jersey Girl,"' Smith said, referring to his recent PG-13 comedy with Ben Affleck as the widowed father of a little girl.

Smith is also writing the screenplay for a movie version of "The Green Hornet," but no longer thinks he will direct it. The "Clerks" movie has moved to the top of his to-do list.
He said he called Jeff Anderson, who played the combative video-store worker Randal, and Brian O'Halloran, who was the besieged-by-strangeness convenience store employee Dante, to run the idea by them first.

"Jeff was actually very protective of 'Clerks,"' Smith said. "Jeff was like, 'Are you sure you want to do this? That movie means a lot to people and do you want to go back?' I thought about it honestly, and it would seem chicken to not give it a shot just because I'm afraid of (messing) with the first film."

So far, he said he has gotten only positive responses from the people who have read the script, so he decided to move forward with it. Both O'Halloran and Anderson are signed on, and Jason Mewes, will return as stoner Jay, the "hetero life-mate" of Smith's stoic Silent Bob.

"I'm sure there will be naysayers who say, 'Oh my God, it's an opportunistic grab at a buck,' but it's not. We're doing it for nothing," Smith said. "We're going to do it insanely inexpensively. The budget will be somewhere between 250 grand and $5 million."

The original was shot pre-dawn, and most of the actors worked for free and then went straight to their day-jobs with little or no sleep.

"This time around we'll afford ourselves the luxury of nice 12-hour days," Smith said. "And people can get paid."

I think I'll reserve judgement on this one. Maybe I'll just go to sleep for a couple of years, then wake up and rent it.

Roommate Roulette

After reading Joe Bob Briggs' essay on interesting roommate combinations, I was inspired to catalogue my own list of my various and sundry roommates. I invite everyone to add their own list. Jay, yours should take up about 10 pages or so.

Justin (Fall '92-Spring '93)

Justin was my buddy from High School. He was a year head of me, so he had already carved himself a niche on the first floor of Lipscomb Hall at UGA. We inherited a 3rd-hand platform loft and held it up mostly with Gumby's Pizza boxes. I also fell right into line with Justin's friends, the remainder of the first floor.

Positives: Already a friend, just as easy-going as I was, liked the same computer games (no choice really, it was just his computer then), kept the same hours, had roughly the same (lack of) success with women as I did. He also taught me how to do laundry and cook Top Ramen.
Negatives: He was a hairy Swede who slept in nothing but Umbro shorts, often with no sheets. He left beard clippings in the sink and tobacco spit in many Dr Pepper bottles around the room. Plus he stole my bottle of Gem Clear from the freezer when I needed it.
Verdict: Good roommate, but he needs to find a nice domesticated woman. Absent-minded professor types like him have been quite successful in finding wives that are happy to be needed, and amused by his chaotic life and non-linear thinking.

Monik (Fall '93-Winter '93)

It was pronounced Moe-NEEK, like a French maid, but he was a 6'1" Indian computer science major.
Positives: Nice guy, we got along well, both interested in Computers. Had roughly the same (lack of) success with women as I did. Quiet and easy-going.
Negatives: Not quite as good a fit with the other guys, who were now infamous as "The Gem Clear Warriors of Lipscomb Hall".
Verdict: Good roommate. No tension or fighting, no hygiene issues. He moved out amicably when we both had good friends that needed a roommate.

Steven (Spring '94)

Another friend from high school, this time a year behind me.
Positive: We got along well, and he fit into our group of misfits quite nicely. He had one girl, and she was no trouble.
Negative: A bit reclusive, and was even more clueless than I was (imagine that) about living on your own.
Verdict: Started to get the idea that friends sometimes don't make the best roommates. Steven was ruled by his stepmother, whom we affectionately called "Hitler", during high school. This rendered him unable to make decisions for himself when he got to college.

Steven, Karen & Leigh (Fall '94-Summer '95)

This was a reality show in the making. Steven and I decided to break out of the dorms and get ourselves an apartment, but in order to afford it, we needed more people. So we decided to move in with Karen, my girlfriend and former Calculus tutor, and Leigh, Steven's pseudo-girlfriend that he stole from fellow Gem Clear Warrior Jacob. Steven and I would be in one room, and Leigh & Karen would be in the other. We all signed the lease for fall in June, (despite Leigh's premonition that it would cause "bad things" to happen), and all went home to work for the summer. (Leigh and I in Georgia, Steven with his mother in Delaware and Karen in New Jersey.)
When we moved in that fall, we found that Steven was dead broke, Leigh had gotten back with Jacob, and Karen had gotten back together with her hometown boyfriend over the summer, and neglected to inform me of it. Raise the curtain and awaaaaaaaay we go!
Positive: We were out of the dorms. Leigh was nice, if a bit weird.
Negative: (1) Steven was a dead-beat roommate who mooched everything, including an attempt at my girlfriend. He stopped going to classes, deciding that he would learn just as much by staying in his pajamas all day and watching The Discovery Channel. He owed us thousands of dollars by the time we kicked him out.
(2) Karen didn't want to date me because it wouldn't be fair to her Jersey Boy, but she started dating a Marine from Watkinsville that she met at a club. She had this need to be "Alpha Bitch", so she teamed up with "Steven of the Herd Mentality" to force Leigh to move out. She demanded that my girlfriend (Melissa) start paying utilities since she spent the night on the weekends.
(3) The place was haunted, so damp that it ruined all our furniture, and full of Camel Crickets that liked to perch on us while we slept.
Verdict: The worst roommate experience of my life. When I met Melissa on a choir trip, and asked if I could spend the night at her place, I wasn't being sleazy, it was mostly because I didn't want to go back to my apartment. The only time Karen was agreeable is when we kicked Steven out, and he was taken in by my ex-girlfriend, Laurie "Needy" Handler.

Mike T. (Fall '95-Winter '96)

Melissa recommended College Park Apartments, which was furnished and clean. I got in with Mike, whom Mel found nice enough before. He made out like he had this important computer job, but I found out he just worked for Radio Shack.
Positives: He was quiet and kept to himself. With the exception of his computer being sprawled across the kitchen table, he kept the place tidy.
Negatives: Mike was a introverted type-A control freak with mother issues that surpassed Norman Bates. He smashed our laundry room door because his mommy wouldn't let him trade in his car for "something sporty." He also played Sega all night with the volume up. I'd frequently be woken up at 2 AM with "Day-Tona!" or "Next up to bat... Javy Lopez..." When I beat his high score on "Daytona USA," he made his girlfriend and two others wait while he attempted to reclaim the record. He was always on the phone on "business" and would disconnect me when I was on the modem to make his own calls.
Verdict: This guy had more deep-seated issues than Steven, and that's saying a lot.

Dave (Spring '96-Summer '97)

I deserved a roomie like Dave after the last couple of years. Dave was the most upbeat, energetic and friendly guy I've ever met. He played guitar in a band and had a striking resemblance to his idol, Kevin Kinney of "Drivin N Cryin".
Positive: His dad was loaded, so he always paid the bills on time. He was fun to hang out with and was absolutely zero stress. We even collaborated on a few songs for his band. He didn't give me any grief for having Melissa over a lot, and he only freaked out once, when Melissa brought home a baby deer that had been injured.
Negative: Can't think of any.
Verdict: Best...Roommate...Ever. (GUY roommate, anyways.)

After that, I started rooming with Melissa, and we all know how THAT ended up. The only difficulty came about when we decided to add another roommate a couple of years ago. It was this young, whiny little guy named Matthew. He was always needing stuff from us, always hungry. We were always cleaning up after him. And lazy too! He mostly just sat around for the first year, not doing much of anything. And if that wasn't bad enough, he didn't even speak English! It's taken him over two years just to speak in basic sentences. And he's more of a mooch than Steven! He's yet to offer to pay for a meal or pitch in for rent & utilities. He can't be trusted, either, so we can't leave him alone for any length of time. It's such a hassle, I swear, but he's such an amicable guy, it's all worth it in the end.

Vaughan's Movie Reviews 8/20/2004

(Just had to share, most likely to be a regular posting)

Yo! Robot.
The beauty of reading a book is that you visualise it your own way. Each individual has their own picture of Asimovs' world. I'd wager not one of these millions of imagined worlds contained the Fresh Prince.

Shrek 2.
Trying too hard to be all singin' all dancin' , but still cracking entertainment for ages eight to eighty. Noticed the arrogant but ineffective Puss in Boots was French. You really have to let it go..........

Catwoman.
Entertainment for the masses from eight to eightandahalf. At least the cat interest in Shrek 2 licked it's own genitals.

"Militant Graffiti Artists" Take Cow Hostage

STOCKHOLM (AFP) - A shadowy group of militant Stockholmers carried out their threat to "execute" a fiberglass life-size cow after their demand that "Cow Parade", an outdoor art exhibit, be dismantled was not met, organizers said.

"We have received the cow cut into pieces in a bag. It's really sad. There's no way of repairing it," Cow Parade spokeswoman Helene Cederberg told AFP.

The Militant Graffiti Artists last week sent an email with a video clip attachment to Swedish daily Aftonbladet showing one of the exhibit's brightly colored cows flanked by two masked militants clad in black and brandishing electric drills as though they were machine guns.

In the video, the militants reportedly demanded that the Cow Parade "be declared non-art, otherwise hostages will be sacrificed".

"As members of Stockholm's Militant Graffiti Artists, we feel it is our moral duty to defend our city against the cows which have invaded our streets," a distorted voice said in the clip, according to Aftonbladet. The group, which kidnapped the cow nearly three weeks ago, threatened to destroy the artwork unless the 100 or so other cows were removed from the city's streets by noon (1000 GMT) on August 23.

Link

I never thought that I'd support Terrorism, but when the cause is just...

Slinky Slytherin

Mel and I are going to Dragon*Con Labor day weekend. Lesson learned from last year: Leave the kid with babysitter! Melissa is putting together a "Slytherin Schoolgirl" outfit to show her Harry Potter love. Is anyone else going?

She's surprisingly found it hard to find gray v-neck sweaters and gray pleated skirts, even though our Catholic School population is fairly sizable. Justin, you know some fetishists, I'm sure...any suggestions?

Melissa actually asked me if it was all right if she dressed up like this. Sure, Honey, if you want to dress up like a catholic girl and carry around a wand, I'll SOMEHOW learn to cope with it.

(No "Samuel L. Bronkowitz Presents..." comments, please.)

Puerile Musings On Kentucky

I spent a wonderful and leisurely weekend up in Indiana. I got up there on Friday and returned late on Tuesday evening. My buddy Rich was driving, so I got to take in the countryside all the way up. Rich was bored with it, as he grew up in Indy, but it was all new to me. I got to enjoy seeing the mountains of Tennessee, the rolling hills of Kentucky, and the vast cornfields of Indiana.

The beauty was only marred occasionally by a few things that disturbed me on the most boyish level. When I think of the troubles in the last 20 years in Piedmont Park, driving through Kentucky makes them pale by comparison.

Consider the heart of limestone hill country. There is Mammoth Cave, which stretches for hundreds of miles under several states. We had just passed by Mammoth and Rich was explaining the basics to me as we encountered a roadside sign that made just both shoot milk out of our noses, metaphorically speaking. It simply read, "KY ACTION PARK." Considering all of the Kentucky jokes that are floating around out there, this was just the capstone on the pyramid, as it were.

Later on, we entered Louisville (pron. Lewavul). It's an attractive town with interesting architecture and a homey feel to it. Just before hitting the Ohio River, though, we came across another sign that was screaming to be sent in to National Lampoon. A small business on the left side of the road boldly declared, "Cox Smokers Outlet."

It this a freaking code, or did some gentleman just in from India not realize what it is that he's advertising? Ye gods, but we were chuckling! If I weren't just coming home from seeing Stacey, I would have been half-tempted to go in, just to see who was working behind the counter.

What Is Going On?!

Okay, it's almost five in the morning on Friday and my brain is about to short out. I just wanted to let you all know what's going on.

Back in April, my company decided to shut down my department and re-create it in St. Petersburg, Florida. I was the only person from the department invited to come along for the ride. It didn't involve a promotion, but this is a company that I wanted to stay with for years. They offered a certain amount of money for moving expenses. Part of the acceptance of those expenses is the company policy that I would remain with the company for 12 months or repay the moving expenses. They flew me down to scout out places to live and had me sit in on a week of training for new account executives. I told them that I was willing to move, and that I would be able to do so quickly. The only thing that I asked for was reciprocity. If I was going to commit to moving to Florida, I asked that the company offer me employment for 12 months. It's the mirror image of what they had required.

The following four months have been interesting. I got very close to selling my house a couple of times. I found that a new lady was put in charge of re-creating the department. We had drinks together and got along well. She asked for input on how I thought that the department should be structured in the future. I sent her recommendations for how it should be staffed, how compensation should be figured, who should report to whom, etc. I had spent months thinking about this before she asked for the input.

A couple of weeks ago, she asked when I was going to move. I let her know that I was still waiting for an offer letter from Certegy.

This past Friday, I got a return e-mail from her. They have hired a new manager for the department. Nevermind the fact that I was the de facto manager for several months before this came along. New manager is starting on August 23rd. Her e-mail basically relayed three essential facts. One was that the company does not issue offer letters until/unless the recipient has already submitted a specific timeframe for the move. Two was that the original offer of moving expenses was apparently a WAG, and that the actual figure is lower than what I had been quoted. Three is that it is apparently against company policy to offer an employment contract. That is to say, they will not commit to offering me employment for 12 months if I move to Florida.

The past week has been hell. Do I take a chance and move, knowing that I can be cut loose if the new manager and I don't hit it off? The company is asking for commitment from me, without offering any in return. They're offering to give me the same job that I have right now for an undetermined amount of time if I move, but will not offer any other kind of incitement.

Last week, I had asked for this Friday, Monday and Tuesday off to go and visit Stacey. The e-mail that I got from Cindy laid out the state of the union, and also required that they receive my reply and answer before I leave for vacation. From Friday afternoon to Thursday afternoon, that's a total of four business days.

I sent in my reply on Thursday afternoon. I won't sell my house and move to Florida if the company won't offer employment for a year. Employment contracts are pretty standard in the business world, but my company doesn't go for them. As St. Pete was evacuated today due to the hurricane that's about to hit them, I didn't really expect an answer to my e-mail immediately.

Upon my return on Wednesday, I guess that I'll have some kind of answer that tells me when I'll lose me job. Frankly, I will be grateful for the resolution to this thing that has been hanging over my head for the last four months. I recently interviewed with a company that wants me, and the earning potential is double to triple what I'm making now. Strangely, I'm not upset. I don't like the way that this whole thing has been handled, but I'm glad that it's about over.

I'm going to start a new job soon. The base pay is low, but the commissions can be incredible. I'll miss my co-workers, but being in the same town means that I'll be able to continue to see them. I'm stressed, but that is almost completely negated by the fact that I'm about to spend the next several days with Stacey, the kids and her folks. That whole situation is another cause for deep thought, but I'll rest easy for the time being thinking only of how restful the whole thing should be.

Thanks for thinking of me and praying for me in the last few months, you guys. I appreciate all of you and all that you mean to me. The last few months would have been debilitating, had it not been for having you around to lean on. I'll keep you posted as things develop. Life is going to be better from now on. Habai ita swe!

Uncle Caveman

But... I STILL Don't Want to Grow Up!

Pounded by competition from discount retailers and increasingly shunned by kids moving on to fancy cell phones and iPods at younger ages, Toys R Us (TOY) says it might shed its toy business in a major restructuring.

The company, eager to maximize its fast-growing Babies R Us unit, announced Wednesday that it is "pursuing the separation" of the baby and toy stores that might include a sale.

Wayne, N.J.-based Toys R Us is the No. 2 toy seller after discount giant Wal-Mart (WMT). It and other toy chains have faced intense price competition on the most popular toys from Wal-Mart, Target and other discounters. Already, mall-based toy retailer KB Toys and high-end toy merchant FAO Schwarz have been pushed into bankruptcy protection.

Further wounding the industry is kids' ever-earlier attraction to video games and sophisticated consumer electronics.

Separation of Toys R Us' businesses, through a sale of the toy stores or spinoff of the baby unit, makes sense to Art Turock, sales growth strategist at Art Turock & Associates. "It will allow both companies to concentrate on the niches that they serve best. A lot of businesses get into trouble because they go for efficiency and (do) not let the distinctiveness of the two businesses evolve," Turock says.

Babies R Us, the largest baby products specialty-store chain, has 200 U.S. stores. Toys R Us has 683 U.S. toy stores and 579 abroad.

While it considers its options, the company plans immediate steps to cut costs. They include $150 million in markdowns in the second quarter, mainly to liquidate U.S. toy store inventory, and a cut in operating expenses for the corporate headquarters and U.S. toy business by more than $125 million by 2005.

It said no stores will close before the end of the 2004 holidays, but closings are expected.

Link

It's A "Reality Sitcom"

Follow the bouncing Ball: We have all these crappy reality shows because the networks don't want to pay the writers to write sitcoms. But the Reality shows are getting old, so they need a few new sitcoms. So they have a reality show...where contestants write a sitcom. Cheap bastards.

NEW YORK (AP) -- If you ever watched an episode of "According to Jim" and said, "Any idiot could do that," well, here's your opportunity to prove it. And then some.

Recognizing that comedy is too important to be left to the professionals, cable's Bravo is inviting couch potatoes to create the next great sitcom.

The two viewer-written scripts judged best will be turned into 15-minute presentations and aired as part of Bravo's forthcoming series "Situation: Comedy," a behind-the-scenes look at the whole sitcom development process. Then its viewers will decide the winner, who gets $25,000 and a year's exclusive representation from the high-powered Creative Artists Agency.

Link (CNN)

My Brother, the Redcoat

I just have to share something amazing. My brother, Rob, was an extra in "The Patriot" with Mel Gibson. He played one of the scores of British soldiers with no lines, but luckily, he is noticeable on-screen in some of the tighter shots of the movie. When the Redcoats ambush Mel Gibson and crew, and the soldiers pop up from the bush, my brother is the blond one on the left who turns his head before firing (Which was how they were all supposed to do it). He's also just behind Mel & Jason Issacs as they trade threats inside the fort. I'd post screenshots if my PC could do it. Anyway, it's really great to see him in the film.

But that's not all. Due to said film role, My brother now has His Own IMDB Page! How cool is that?

Ummm, Oops?

Having apparently had little exposure to this kind of situation before, they neglected to display the bumper sticker reading "If the van is a rockin', don't come a knockin'." Okay, World. I don't care how warm it is, get INTO THE HANDBASKET!


Priest, Nun Convicted After 'Sex Act' in Car
Tue Aug 3, 2004 08:22 AM ET

BLANTYRE, Malawi (Reuters) - A Malawian court convicted a Catholic priest and a nun of disorderly conduct Thursday after they were caught engaged in a sexual act in a parked car with tinted windows.

The Malawian priest, 43, and the 26-year-old nun from neighboring Zambia spent the night in police cells after being caught in the act Wednesday, police said.

A court in the capital Lilongwe handed down suspended jail sentences of six months with hard labor after the pair pleaded guilty to charges of idleness and disorderly conduct.

"These people were caught in a sex act," Assistant Superintendent Kelvin Maigwa told Reuters.
Officials in the Roman Catholic Church, whose priests are barred from sex or marriage, declined to comment.

Passers by alerted police at Lilongwe International Airport after the parked Toyota Corolla, which had tinted windows, began shaking in what police described as "a funny manner."

© Reuters 2004. All Rights Reserved.