Mobile Rage

\\BEGIN VENT...

After doubling my cellphone bill by calling home for five minutes a day from Little Rock, Melissa and I decided to get new plans. We had a couple of "Ancient" Nokias and an expired contract with Cingular. Due to a corporate discount, we decided on going with AT&T for the next year or so. I got a nifty Motorola cameraphone, but they were out of stock of the Motorola Mel wanted, so she took a comparably priced LG one as a temporary. "I don't care what phone I get, as long as it can ring with the Harry Potter theme," Melissa told the salesperson, who told us it was free to send our own pictures and MP3's to our phones.

The phones were cool, and we spent a few days going over their features, transferring our massive phonebooks and whatnot. I even trimmed down some of my favorite MP3's and sent them to my phone to use as ringtones. (Fastball's "You're an Ocean" and "Grim Grinning Ghosts" from DisneyWorld's Haunted Mansion.)

Well, it's two weeks later, and they are still out of stock of Melissa's phone, which she really doesn't like. For some reason the agent couldn't even figure out, her phone rang with hip hop music no matter which ringtone she selected.

Then we got an E-bill for our first few days of service. First of all, the guy signed us up for Voice Dialing plans which we did not ask for. Secondly, it's NOT free to send yourself pictures and MP3's, its 2 cents per KB of data. So while a picture cost me 16 cents, I was billed $22.80 for sending myself a ringtone!!

Melissa's dad went up to the store to talk to the sales rep, who promised to contact us and make things right. What did this consist of? A canned text message to my phone at 8:30 that night, suggesting that I add a $24.95/mo Data Plan to my phone.

Before I do anything, I'm trying a geek thing. My Motorola has a 5-pin mini-USB socket, leading me to believe that I can probably upload and download pics and ringtones DIRECTLY from the phone, without all the hassle of (1)uploading them to the web, (2)emailing the link to my phone's e-mail address, and (3)downloading it to my phone from the hyperlink (thus avoiding any data transfer fees AT&T might want to charge). The amazing part is that this socket is ENTIRELY UNDOCUMENTED on the user's manual, which comes as no surprise.

The lesson here is to AVOID AT&T AT ALL COSTS. We're dropping them if this crap isn't sorted out by next week. Cingular has always been good to us before, and Verizon is tops in customer service, so try them if you have a choice.

\\End Vent.

Interview with Neal Stephenson

This man is sharp and surreal, chock full of pop-culture references and technobabble. It's no reason I like his writing.

(from SlashDot)

Q: In a fight between you and (fellow Sci-Fi Writer) William Gibson, who would win?

Neal:

You don't have to settle for mere idle speculation. Let me tell you how it came out on the three occasions when we did fight.

The first time was a year or two after SNOW CRASH came out. I was doing a reading/signing at White Dwarf Books in Vancouver. Gibson stopped by to say hello and extended his hand as if to shake. But I remembered something Bruce Sterling had told me. For, at the time, Sterling and I had formed a pact to fight Gibson. Gibson had been regrown in a vat from scraps of DNA after Sterling had crashed an LNG tanker into Gibson's Stealth pleasure barge in the Straits of Juan de Fuca. During the regeneration process, telescoping Carbonite stilettos had been incorporated into Gibson's arms. Remembering this in the nick of time, I grabbed the signing table and flipped it up between us. Of course the Carbonite stilettos pierced it as if it were cork board, but this spoiled his aim long enough for me to whip my wakizashi out from between my shoulder blades and swing at his head. He deflected the blow with a force blast that sprained my wrist. The falling table knocked over a space heater and set fire to the store. Everyone else fled. Gibson and I dueled among blazing stacks of books for a while. Slowly I gained the upper hand, for, on defense, his Praying Mantis style was no match for my Flying Cloud technique. But I lost him behind a cloud of smoke. Then I had to get out of the place. The streets were crowded with his black-suited minions and I had to turn into a swarm of locusts and fly back to Seattle.

The second time was a few years later when Gibson came through Seattle on his IDORU tour. Between doing some drive-by signings at local bookstores, he came and devastated my quarter of the city. I had been in a trance for seven days and seven nights and was unaware of these goings-on, but he came to me in a vision and taunted me, and left a message on my cellphone. That evening he was doing a reading at Kane Hall on the University of Washington campus. Swathed in black, I climbed to the top of the hall, mesmerized his snipers, sliced a hole in the roof using a plasma cutter, let myself into the catwalks above the stage, and then leapt down upon him from forty feet above. But I had forgotten that he had once studied in the same monastery as I, and knew all of my techniques. He rolled away at the last moment. I struck only the lectern, smashing it to kindling. Snatching up one jagged shard of oak I adopted the Mountain Tiger position just as you would expect. He pulled off his wireless mike and began to whirl it around his head. From there, the fight proceeded along predictable lines. As a stalemate developed we began to resort more and more to the use of pure energy, modulated by Red Lotus incantations of the third Sung group, which eventually to the collapse of the building's roof and the loss of eight hundred lives. But as they were only peasants, we did not care.

Our third fight occurred at the Peace Arch on the U.S./Canadian border between Seattle and Vancouver. Gibson wished to retire from that sort of lifestyle that required ceaseless training in the martial arts and sleeping outdoors under the rain. He only wished to sit in his garden brushing out novels on rice paper. But honor dictated that he must fight me for a third time first. Of course the Peace Arch did not remain standing for long. Before long my sword arm hung useless at my side. One of my psi blasts kicked up a large divot of earth and rubble, uncovering a silver metallic object, hitherto buried, that seemed to have been crafted by an industrial designer. It was a nitro-veridian device that had been buried there by Sterling. We were able to fly clear before it detonated. The blast caused a seismic rupture that split off a sizable part of Canada and created what we now know as Vancouver Island. This was the last fight between me and Gibson. For both of us, by studying certain ancient prophecies, had independently arrived at the same conclusion, namely that Sterling's professed interest in industrial design was a mere cover for work in superweapons. Gibson and I formed a pact to fight Sterling. So far we have made little headway in seeking out his lair of brushed steel and white LEDs, because I had a dentist appointment and Gibson had to attend a writers' conference, but keep an eye on Slashdot for any further developments.

What About Bob?

Does anyone here actually remember MicroSoft Bob? Chris might. I'm just chuckling to myself, wondering what Bill Gates had done to the person who thunk up this stinker. Hate him though many may, they need to acknowledge the fact that BILL is a very creative guy. I'm thinking that the whole setup is probably pretty medieval, but that's purely speculation.

That'd Be Great

>>Tuesday August 31, 2004

Bush Names Lumbergh National Intelligence Director

WASHINGTON, D.C.- When it comes to intelligence reform, the Bush administration has earned a reputation for being less than enthusiastic. As to the recommendation from the 9/11 Commission to install a single intelligence czar to oversee the disparate agencies responsible for information gathering & analysis, most Beltway insiders expected the President to stand behind the heads of these agencies who have so far been reluctant to relinquish control. So, it was a great surprise when Bush announced that he would not only implement the plan but also appoint a complete unknown to the new post of Director of National Intelligence, a former software development manager named Bill Lumbergh.

When contacted for a reaction to his selection, the country's newest spymaster kept an even keel. "Um, yeah," said Lumbergh. "That sounds, er, super."

In a closed-door meeting over the weekend, the President's aides asked Lumbergh what he planned to do to merge the intelligence operations of the FBI, CIA, and Pentagon. His half-hour-long response, including a wall-sized flowchart and over one hundred PowerPoint slides, parsed down to two words: not much. White House sources say he was hired on the spot.

The President says that he met Lumbergh at a barbecue a few weeks ago and was stricken with his laid-back style and go-getter spirit. When the new position opened up earlier this week, Bush says that he jumped at the chance to bring Lumbergh on board. "This is no different than my Vice Presidential selection process," said Bush. "I consider all the options, then I hire the guy I already know. It's easier that way, fewer names to remember."

Lumbergh honed his management skills at software giant Initech until his position was outsourced to India earlier this year. This appointment marks another in a series of hiring choices in which Bush has looked inside his social circle of unemployed acquaintances for candidates. Since taking office, Bush has saved ousted governors John Ashcroft and Tom Ridge as well as a host of other out of work Republicans from the unemployment line.

Already, however, voices from the other side of the aisle are issuing objections to the Lumbergh selection. On first blush the 46-year-old does appear a bit green for the job of intel czar, but Lumbergh says that in spite of his lack of official experience, his unflappable nature and dedication to procedure will help wrangle the various agencies under a single umbrella.

Paperwork is one example. Rather than maintain four thousand different forms, why not unify them all by stapling a TPS cover sheet to each one? The task of implementing this across the board sounds daunting, but Lumbergh says he will win them over with his charm. "Hmmm. One time, we had an employee and he, yeah, he had a problem with his TPS reports. Yeah, I noticed that he didn't put a cover sheet on it, and I, um, talked it over with him. Hmmm. Great."

There have also been lingering rumors of an extra-marital affair with a former coworker, but White House representatives have been quick to inform reporters that the person in question was the "other Lumbergh."

When it comes time for confirmation, the White House may have a difficult time of it. Congressional Democrats will surely grill him on his knowledge of national security issues and his plans for the new office.

"You don't middle-manage a development team, um, working on banking applications for seven years without learning a thing or two about security," said Lumbergh. "Yeah, great. What we really need is- um- right- um, is a new logo. 'NID' in heavy block letters or something and a banner to hang over the cubicles. That'd be super."
--staff

We're Finally Washington Insiders!!!

Monday September 27, 2004

Bush, UN Demand An End To Iran's Magic Missile Program

TEHRAN, IRAN- In an emergency address to the nation, President George W. Bush appeared on television Saturday evening to announce that, after months of clandestine testing, Iran had completed development of a "magic missile" program capable of blinding and bewitching neighboring nations for up to six turns. Iranian officials insist that the missiles are not weaponized and are intended only to be cast against the darkness, but Bush and the Joint Chiefs of Staff remain suspicious of the motives of this Axis of Evil member state.

"Right now, it's just your basic magic missile," said Bush, "easy to block with a level 2 defensive charm, but our intelligence sources say that Iran could have a +2 model ready for deployment by next spring."

The President presented a series of recently-declassified surveillance photos which appear to depict a cadre of Iranian wizards and mages casting spells against defenseless targets like plants and small woodland creatures.

Iran, Bush explained, is leveling up. Even if Iran never planned to actually use their new terror weapon, no structure currently in place would prevent them from selling the technology to another rogue nation or even Al Qaeda.

Though the President would not come out and say it, the wry smirk on the his face had "I told you so" written all over it. Even before the terror attacks of 9/11 Bush has been pushing for a national magic missile defense program with little support from the House and Senate.

With budgets tight and resources scarce, Congress opted to cut the Pentagon's program last year, leaving the country with only a handful of similar weapons projects in the pipeline. Ranking Democrat on the Senate Armed Services Committee Carl Levin (D. Michigan) even went so far as to question the need for such initiatives. Following the Iran announcement, however, it seems the Senator now has a face full of egg.

"Levin said that a well-cast flame spell was just as good as a magic missile," chuckled Bush. "Can you believe that? I think that shows just how little this guy knows about issues of national security."

"What we're talking about is developing a very powerful anti-magic field spell," said Defense Department adviser Gary Gygax. "I'm sure a lot of people are thinking of having a level 6 mage in a camouflage robe standing on every street corner 24 hours a day. That's entirely impractical, though I have to admit it would be really cool."

Bush used the crisis as an opportunity to raise awareness of the country's vulnerability to such attacks. According to recent Defense Department estimates, the national Armor Class is just 4. With the magic missile defense system in place, the number would shoot up to at least 6 along with an extra savings throw in case of catastrophic magical attack.

It turns out that the program is not really much of a leap. Pentagon sources say that the defense shield would mirror a smaller version already in place. At the President's insistence, the White House has been under the protection of level 4 Secret Service wizards since early 2002.

Sensing the imminent threat and the lack of a proper defense shield, Bush promised the public that he would master the Patronus spell by December, but aides later informed him that the sorcery in question was of another meme and was not applicable here.

- Mark Arenz for Ridiculopathy.com

Ow. Freakin' OW!

Mon Oct 4,10:41 AM ET

Oddly Enough - Reuters

BUCHAREST (Reuters) - A elderly Romanian man mistook his penis for a chicken's neck, cut it off and his dog rushed up and ate it, the state Rompres news agency said Monday.

It said 67 year-old Constantin Mocanu, from a village near the southeastern town of Galati, rushed out into his yard in his underwear to kill a noisy chicken keeping him awake at night.

"I confused it with the chicken's neck," Mocanu, who was admitted to the emergency hospital in Galati, was quoted as saying. "I cut it ... and the dog rushed and ate it."

Doctors said the man, who was brought in by an ambulance bleeding heavily, was now out of danger.