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Monday September 27, 2004

Bush, UN Demand An End To Iran's Magic Missile Program

TEHRAN, IRAN- In an emergency address to the nation, President George W. Bush appeared on television Saturday evening to announce that, after months of clandestine testing, Iran had completed development of a "magic missile" program capable of blinding and bewitching neighboring nations for up to six turns. Iranian officials insist that the missiles are not weaponized and are intended only to be cast against the darkness, but Bush and the Joint Chiefs of Staff remain suspicious of the motives of this Axis of Evil member state.

"Right now, it's just your basic magic missile," said Bush, "easy to block with a level 2 defensive charm, but our intelligence sources say that Iran could have a +2 model ready for deployment by next spring."

The President presented a series of recently-declassified surveillance photos which appear to depict a cadre of Iranian wizards and mages casting spells against defenseless targets like plants and small woodland creatures.

Iran, Bush explained, is leveling up. Even if Iran never planned to actually use their new terror weapon, no structure currently in place would prevent them from selling the technology to another rogue nation or even Al Qaeda.

Though the President would not come out and say it, the wry smirk on the his face had "I told you so" written all over it. Even before the terror attacks of 9/11 Bush has been pushing for a national magic missile defense program with little support from the House and Senate.

With budgets tight and resources scarce, Congress opted to cut the Pentagon's program last year, leaving the country with only a handful of similar weapons projects in the pipeline. Ranking Democrat on the Senate Armed Services Committee Carl Levin (D. Michigan) even went so far as to question the need for such initiatives. Following the Iran announcement, however, it seems the Senator now has a face full of egg.

"Levin said that a well-cast flame spell was just as good as a magic missile," chuckled Bush. "Can you believe that? I think that shows just how little this guy knows about issues of national security."

"What we're talking about is developing a very powerful anti-magic field spell," said Defense Department adviser Gary Gygax. "I'm sure a lot of people are thinking of having a level 6 mage in a camouflage robe standing on every street corner 24 hours a day. That's entirely impractical, though I have to admit it would be really cool."

Bush used the crisis as an opportunity to raise awareness of the country's vulnerability to such attacks. According to recent Defense Department estimates, the national Armor Class is just 4. With the magic missile defense system in place, the number would shoot up to at least 6 along with an extra savings throw in case of catastrophic magical attack.

It turns out that the program is not really much of a leap. Pentagon sources say that the defense shield would mirror a smaller version already in place. At the President's insistence, the White House has been under the protection of level 4 Secret Service wizards since early 2002.

Sensing the imminent threat and the lack of a proper defense shield, Bush promised the public that he would master the Patronus spell by December, but aides later informed him that the sorcery in question was of another meme and was not applicable here.

- Mark Arenz for Ridiculopathy.com