That'd Be Great

>>Tuesday August 31, 2004

Bush Names Lumbergh National Intelligence Director

WASHINGTON, D.C.- When it comes to intelligence reform, the Bush administration has earned a reputation for being less than enthusiastic. As to the recommendation from the 9/11 Commission to install a single intelligence czar to oversee the disparate agencies responsible for information gathering & analysis, most Beltway insiders expected the President to stand behind the heads of these agencies who have so far been reluctant to relinquish control. So, it was a great surprise when Bush announced that he would not only implement the plan but also appoint a complete unknown to the new post of Director of National Intelligence, a former software development manager named Bill Lumbergh.

When contacted for a reaction to his selection, the country's newest spymaster kept an even keel. "Um, yeah," said Lumbergh. "That sounds, er, super."

In a closed-door meeting over the weekend, the President's aides asked Lumbergh what he planned to do to merge the intelligence operations of the FBI, CIA, and Pentagon. His half-hour-long response, including a wall-sized flowchart and over one hundred PowerPoint slides, parsed down to two words: not much. White House sources say he was hired on the spot.

The President says that he met Lumbergh at a barbecue a few weeks ago and was stricken with his laid-back style and go-getter spirit. When the new position opened up earlier this week, Bush says that he jumped at the chance to bring Lumbergh on board. "This is no different than my Vice Presidential selection process," said Bush. "I consider all the options, then I hire the guy I already know. It's easier that way, fewer names to remember."

Lumbergh honed his management skills at software giant Initech until his position was outsourced to India earlier this year. This appointment marks another in a series of hiring choices in which Bush has looked inside his social circle of unemployed acquaintances for candidates. Since taking office, Bush has saved ousted governors John Ashcroft and Tom Ridge as well as a host of other out of work Republicans from the unemployment line.

Already, however, voices from the other side of the aisle are issuing objections to the Lumbergh selection. On first blush the 46-year-old does appear a bit green for the job of intel czar, but Lumbergh says that in spite of his lack of official experience, his unflappable nature and dedication to procedure will help wrangle the various agencies under a single umbrella.

Paperwork is one example. Rather than maintain four thousand different forms, why not unify them all by stapling a TPS cover sheet to each one? The task of implementing this across the board sounds daunting, but Lumbergh says he will win them over with his charm. "Hmmm. One time, we had an employee and he, yeah, he had a problem with his TPS reports. Yeah, I noticed that he didn't put a cover sheet on it, and I, um, talked it over with him. Hmmm. Great."

There have also been lingering rumors of an extra-marital affair with a former coworker, but White House representatives have been quick to inform reporters that the person in question was the "other Lumbergh."

When it comes time for confirmation, the White House may have a difficult time of it. Congressional Democrats will surely grill him on his knowledge of national security issues and his plans for the new office.

"You don't middle-manage a development team, um, working on banking applications for seven years without learning a thing or two about security," said Lumbergh. "Yeah, great. What we really need is- um- right- um, is a new logo. 'NID' in heavy block letters or something and a banner to hang over the cubicles. That'd be super."
--staff