"30 and 30"

Got a nasty surprise yesterday at work. Our usual monthly status meeting had a strange bullet point topic that read "RAL: 30 & 30".

"Next we come to the new 'Resource Availability List.' What this is, is when you are off projects and 'on the bench' for 30 days, your name goes on this list," My manager, Kelly, began. "We shop this list around internally, to see if we can't find you some work within the company." Following that was two paragraphs dancing around the words "If you're not billable after 30 days on the list, we let you go."

We lost some deals that we were banking on, and now we've got more staff than we need, and we're already a great deal over-budget for the year. So first we do the list, and we'll probably have to do a layoff at the end of the year.

One of the bolder employees asked the right question: "How bad off are we? Let's say that we're all 100% billable for the rest of the year. Would we still have to do layoffs?" Yes. It's that bad.

Well, that's a real encouraging line of thought: Even if you're billable and productive, the company may still lay you off right before Christmas. About as effective as a Yellow Terror Alert: Something bad is going to happen, but we can't tell you when or where or to whom, so just go about your business and be "vigilant".

So now being billable is now paramount to all else. I've been working on a project for someone named Tina for three weeks, and she's yet to approve me to bill the project, or return any e-mails from me asking her to do so. In light of the new warning, I decided to take it to the next level.

Boss-Lady Kelly was happily chatting up some other project managers in the Cube-hall when I walked up. She turned to me and grinned "Hey Chris, what can I do for you?"

I grinned back. "I need you to get medieval on someone."

Her face fell. "You want me to get what?" The other project managers left quietly. They might have caught the reference to "Pulp Fiction", but it was definitely lost on my boss.

I switched to business dialog and explained that I wanted her to "escalate" this Tina for not "allocating me to the billable PlanView buckets". She visibly relaxed and promised to take it up with accounting. I thanked her and walked back to my cube. Sometimes you just have to give your co-workers the acid test and see if they respond.

Behold: the Every Day Guy!

Booed at Fenway
John Kerry's pitch to Red Sox Nation was a bust. But the real problem is that he's trying to be someone he's not.
by Jonathan V. Last 07/26/2004 12:00:00 PM

Boston
FOR AS LONG as politicians have been throwing out first pitches, fans have been booing them. So it was no surprise last night when the crowd at Fenway Park let Kerry have it. As soon as it was announced that Kerry would be throwing out the ceremonial first pitch, the Boston faithful began booing.

This was somewhat surprising, since many people in the stands were carrying posters with "Team Kerry" and "For a Stronger America: Kerry-Edwards." After the initial wave of booing, some applause mixed in. Then Kerry threw a weak pitch from the grass in front of the mound. It bounced over home plate. The booing came back in force.

All was then quiet on the Kerry front until the 7th inning, when a woman waving a "Team Kerry" poster was put on the Jumbo-tron. The crowd instantly, and vigorously, booed again. Team Kerry shouldn't be overly concerned with the boo birds, but they might be a little worried about how uncomfortable Kerry seems with middle-America events, like sports.

Kerry has long claimed allegiance to the Boston Red Sox and the New England Patriots. Yet last week, ESPN's Peter Gammons reported that, Kerry claimed to be a big fan of "Manny Ortez." Having fused the names of Boston's two biggest sluggers, Kerry then compounded the error by correcting himself and saying he meant "David Ortez." No word on what either Manny Ramirez or David Ortiz thought of the slip up.

But so what if Kerry is too
much of a blue-blood to be into sports? Teresa Heinz Kerry is no sports devotee either, but she's up-front about it. In 2002, when the Pittsburg Steelers met the Patriots in the NFL playoffs, much was made of the rivalry in the Kerry household.

Teresa, it turns out, is a life-long Steelers fan. But she happily admits that "I don't know football from Cheyenne." In an interview with the Boston Herald in January 2002, she went so far as to describe how much she dislikes the place where her beloved Steelers play--Heinz Field. "I think it's a terrible field," she said, adding, "I don't think it's a terrible stadium. I think it's a terribly built wind tunnel."

The week before the game, Teresa left one of the Steelers' trademark Terrible Towels on Kerry's favorite easy chair--a cute, low-grade prank.

In response, the Herald reported that "Kerry said he tried to get even by hauling his puffy Patriots parka out of the closet" when he took the couple's dog, Cim, for an after-dinner walk around Georgetown. Bet that showed her!

John Kerry should take a lesson from his wife. You don't have to be one-of-the-guys to be elected president. But it helps if you don't try to be someone you're not.

Jonathan V. Last is online editor of The Weekly Standard.
*********************************************************
Try to remember, though, that John Kerry knows about the plight of the working man.  Having never held a private sector job in his life, he knows what it's like to work for a living.  Since he married into millions (twice), it must be as easy for everyone else, or he wouldn't be wanting to raise taxes so consistently.  Since he has obviously had to pay his health care costs for the last 30 years out of his own pocket, it shouldn't matter that his health care plans for the country would necessitate increasing taxes per household by $2000 per year.  (It should be pointed out that this is every household, not just the ones who pay taxes now.)  He believes in a strong national defense, which is why he pledged never to deploy US troops overseas without the approval of the United Nations.  He wants to increase America's prosperity, which is why he proposes to tax the people who earn more and generate more jobs.  He has great integrity, which is why he has yet to solidly state what his personal opinions are on issues without including a way to back out.  He is a Catholic with closely-held personal beliefs, which is why he has abandoned the policy of the Roman Catholic Church banning abortion. 
 
I waffle on abortion issues, myself, but I'm not running for office.  Two words for you, folks: CAVEAT EMPTOR.

Kerry Unwisely Chooses Slogan

Web mag Slate published a review of John Kerry's slogan "Let America be Ameica Again," based on it's questionable source:

Last month, Chatterbox urged John Kerry to drop the campaign slogan, "Let America be America again." Instead, Kerry has wrapped his arms more tightly around the slogan's regrettable source. As Chatterbox noted in the earlier column, "Let America be America again" comes from a poem published in 1938 by the Harlem renaissance poet Langston Hughes. But Hughes intended the line ironically. A black man living in the pre-civil rights era would have had to be insane to look back to a golden age of freedom and equality in America, and Hughes was not insane. Hughes was, rather, an enthusiastic cheerleader for the Soviet Union at the time he wrote "Let America Be America Again," which explains the poem's agitprop tone. "I am the young man, full of strength and hope," Hughes writes in the poem:

Tangled in that ancient endless chain
Of profit, power, gain, of grab the land!
Of grab the gold!
Of grab the ways of satisfying need!
Of work the men! Of take the pay!
Of owning everything for one's own greed!

Toil good, private ownership bad, etc. Hughes ends his poem on a more hopeful note ("America never was America to me/ And yet I swear this oath—/ America will be!"), but the future Hughes imagined for America when he wrote those words probably looked a lot like Stalinist Russia.

LiveJournal author called "agreatnotion" adds some suggestions for literary revisions:

from Ginsberg's "America:
"America I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel. Vote Kerry."
"America stop pushing me I know what I am doing. Vote Kerry."
"America why are your libraries full of tears? Vote Kerry."

from e.e. cummings:
"a politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man. vote kerry, his arse is fresher than Bush's."

from Lawrence Ferlinghetti's "I am Waiting":
"Are you waiting for the American Eagle to really spread its wings and straighten up and fly right? Vote Kerry."
"I am waiting for the lost music to sound again in the Lost Continent in a new rebirth of wonder. Vote Kerry."

A Liter of Cola?

By ABCNEWS.comMarch 25, 2004 (RIO RANCHO, N.M.) — A Rio Rancho fast-food worker faces assault charges for allegedly serving a police officer a loogie burger.

Marcus Calderon, 19, was arrested last weekend and charged with altering food and assaulting a police officer for allegedly spitting in the law enforcement official's hamburger.

The officer noticed that some thing wrong with his burger after he took a couple of bites. After further inspection, the officer found that someone had spit in his food, Department of Public Safety officials said.

Restaurant officials fired Calderon and said their other employees were clean and courteous and that they had never experienced similar incidents.

According to police, Calderon says he was ill and may have accidentally coughed or spit on the officer's burger. Calderon was jailed on $2,000 bond and had provided blood and saliva samples to be tested for HIV and hepatitis.
**********************
Officer Rodney Farva of the Spurbury Police in Spurbury, VT could not be reached for comment.

Potter's Old Friend Is In Trouble

It's nice to know that he made it all the way across the Atlantic, but all good things must come to an end.  One of the earliest witnesses to the power of The Boy Who Lived is now imprisoned, awaiting sentence.
***************************
July 23, 2004 (VERO BEACH, Fla.) — A 16-foot-long Burmese python was captured on a city street after a passing motorist spotted about three feet of it hanging over a curb and called police.

The brown-and-yellow snake was wrestled into a body bag and taken to the home of Animal Control Officer Bruce Dangerfield.

"This is a very irresponsible owner to let something loose like this," Dangerfield said of the capture late Wednesday. "Either it escaped -- all snakes are escape artists -- or someone let it loose."

Dangerfield said he has picked up dozens of loose Burmese pythons and boa constrictors over the years, but this was the biggest.

Dangerfield said the responsibilities that come with owning a giant reptile become too much for some people. Within a few years, a 20-inch hatchling bought for $100 at a pet store will become a rabbit-munching giant.

"Some people should just watch Animal Channel or something, not own one," he said.
The snake will probably be euthanized if its owner doesn't come forward, said Ilke Daniel of the Humane Society.

"There is such overpopulation, no zoo wants them," she said.
(Copyright 2004 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

Why Didn't I Think Of This?

This is something akin to Steven Wright naming his dog Stay.  "Come here, Stay.  C'mere, Stay."
 
*****************************************
 
July 23, 2004 (WILMINGTON, Del.) — A vanity license tag chosen as a gag has left its owner holding the bag.

Jim Cara thought the "NOTAG" plate he got for his Suzuki motorcycle would give people a laugh. Instead, he found that the joke -- along with more than 200 parking violations -- was on him.

The new tag arrived in the mail Saturday, along with an avalanche of city parking violations.
"All the traffic tickets say, 'Notice of violation. License number: no tag,"' Cara explained.
Officials said city computers linked to state Division of Motor Vehicles computers finally found an address for ticketed vehicles that lacked license tags: Cara's home in Elsmere.
"I messed up the system so bad," Cara said. "I wonder if they can put me in jail or something?"

Cara, 43, who works for the American Motorcycle Association, said he's been a lifelong prankster. This time, though, "the cleanup is going to be worse than the joke," he said.
An incorrect computer code used by the contractor that processes the city's parking violations helped land the tickets in Cara's mail, according to John Rago, a spokesman for Wilmington Mayor James Baker. City officials plan to have it corrected, he said.

Fortunately for Cara, Wilmington appeared to be the only jurisdiction with the no-tag computer glitch, said Kelly Pitts, spokeswoman for the state Department of Transportation.
Pitts said Cara's best insurance against future problems would be to change the "NOTAG" plate.
No way, said Cara. "I think it's awesome."
(Copyright 2004 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

"Doonesbury" Dropped from Syndication

Doonesbury's Syndicate, motivated by "public opinion", issued a simple poll to the papers that carried the cartoon, asking if they wanted to drop it.

Of the 38 papers that run the Continental-produced Sunday comics section, 21 wanted to drop "Doonesbury," 15 wanted to keep it, and two had no opinion or preference. "I wouldn't call the vote [to drop 'Doonesbury'] overwhelming, but it was a majority opinion," Wilkerson said.

One of the 15 papers, The Anniston (Ala.) Star (Click for QuikCap), expressed public dismay with the vote yesterday -- saying the decision amounted to censorship. In an E&P interview after that article appeared, Star Executive Editor Troy Turner said: "Sure, 'Doonesbury' causes editors headaches from time to time, but there is a proven readership for it. Newspapers need to think of readers first, or they will continue to struggle."

The Continental head said he doesn't know exactly when "Doonesbury" will leave the package; he's currently polling clients to see if they want to replace it with "Agnes," "Get Fuzzy," "Pickles," "Zits," or another comic.

"Doonesbury" -- which appears in more than 1,400 papers via Universal Press Syndicate -- has made a lot of news this year with strong criticism of President Bush and the Iraq war. In one sequence, Trudeau offered $10,000 to anyone who could prove Bush served in the Alabama National Guard. And, in an ongoing story line, the B.D. character lost a leg in Iraq and is dealing with the aftermath of that devastating injury.

Turner added that he doesn't recall Continental doing polls about any of the other 22 comics in its package; "Doonesbury" was singled out. Wilkerson acknowledged that the survey was out of the norm.

LINK

Political views CAN exist in a comic strip. You already run it on the Politics or Opinion pages because Doonesbury doesn't belong with the likes of "Cathy" and "Garfield". It's not there for sh*ts and giggles. And replacing it with "Zits" or "Get Fuzzy"??? What a slap in the face.

This is a tragedy for all political thinkers, setting back cartoons 50 years.

Manteo Memories

I just had a trip down memory lane. I just read a CNN Travel article talking about the Outer Banks of North Carolina, where Justin Welborn and I spent the summer of 1993. We were "Living History Interpreters" on a re-created sailing vessel called the Elizabeth II. Basically, we sat around on a ship in period costumes, pretending to be 16th century sailors, and talked to the tourists who came on board the ship.

The lot of us had only two weeks to learn some history, Ptolemy (how the sun circled 'round the Earth), and develop characters and English accents. Unfortunately, the only exposure to English accents that most of us had was from Monty Python. It was horrible. Our first week, a family from the UK asked us what the bloody hell we were speaking. It got better though. By the end of the summer, we had our accents down. Tour guide Emily was from Middlesex (slogan: "Where people have sex in the middle!"), and she said that we'd pass for natives, save for all the 16th century parlance.

I was mariner Christopher Addison of Guilford, county of Surrey. My father and mother ran the Tabard Inn. (So what if I chose the alleged home of Ford Prefect from "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", and the Inn from Chaucer's "Canterbury Tales". No one caught it all summer.) Welborn was Mariner Will Staff. He would always greet the children with "How would ya, wee ones?"

When we got bored, we invented "cabin boy" stories. It was an exercise in ad-libbed storytelling. We would talk about the jobs of the average cabin boy, then tell of a particular cabin boy's gruesome death. And it always had to end with "And he did fall o'erboard, and he did die."

It was fun work, but a lonely summer. My parents had just moved to Hawaii, and my brother had gone there to work for the summer. I had a choice: I could work back in Lilburn, Georgia, where I went to high school, and where nearly all my friends had moved on from, or I could work in Hawaii, where I'd be in paradise, but I'd know nobody but my family.

I chose "None of the Above," and took off to North Carolina. I decided that I was going to be on my own in Georgia for the rest of my college years, so I had better get used to living independently. I was poor, and ate so badly that I came back looking every bit like Robinson Crusoe in the fall, scraggly beard and all. But I wouldn't have traded it for anything. You learn a lot about yourself, and what you're capable of, when you remove yourself from all familiarity.

Friends, Indeed.

At this point, I would like to thank my plotting, scheming, going-behind-my-back friends for plotting, scheming and for going behind my back.   
 
Sitting at my desk today, I had cause to ponder the friendships that I have.  There have been several that are like those orange circus peanuts: sweet, full of flavor, yet very short-lived and lacking in substance.  More to be cherished, though, are those who make life like living with honeysuckle in the yard: always there, coming through year after year, generally making life a better experience.   My life is like a pecan tree from which the loose nuts have been shaken loose, with only the really hard-core nuts still hanging on.  You know who you are.
 
Just thinking of the contributors to this forum sends me reeling down memory lane.  I don't think I could tally the incredible, raw cookie-dough goodness that these folks have brought to my life.  Flamer bailed me out of jail, welcomed me into his house once a week for years, and took care of me after I'd lost a really bad fight with some tequila.  Mel has been my infrequent confessor (handy having a Catholic around!), a constant personification of joie de vivre, and the woman who has made Chris happy for these many years.  Chris has chased women and dogs (honestly, literally) with me, been a brother when I needed one and is a constant source of amusement.
 
Vaughan, well. . . . sorry, mate.  You amuse me, but not that much.
 
Especially after this weekend's antics, I'm glad you sneaky little shits are my friends (read: I'm glad you're on my side).  I appreciate you.

Semitic Semantics

Personal pet peeve time. How many times have we heard about Palestinians (or Syrians or Egyptians or anyone else) committing violence against Israelis in what is termed "Anti-Semitic" violence? This is CRAP, and I'm sick and tired of the world press being so ignorant about things!

The term "Semitic" refers to the descendants of Shem. These descendants include, to quote from Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, "any number of peoples of ancient southwestern Asia including Akkadians, Phoenicians, Hebrews, and Arabs."

Yes, violence against Israelis (or Jews anywhere) can properly be termed as anti-Semitic. Just make sure you let us know that the people committing those acts of violence are ALSO Semitic!

Some people are just as dumb as rocks. . . .

LotR Claims Rights to "Shire"

The Saul Zaentz Company, owners of the LotR trademarks, are trying to shut down an internet site called ShireMail.com, claiming that "Shire" is a resultant trademark esxclusive to Lord of the Rings.

As was explained so coherently to the owner of Shiremail.com, Tarrant Costelloe, in a letter from the lawyers representing all three parties, Addleshaw Goddard: "The SHIRE name is well-known in the UK and elsewhere, to readers of the Lord of the Rings books (and others) and the goodwill in the name has been achieved through sales of such books.

"The incorporation of the SHIRE name into a domain name by you is a misrepresentation to the public that the domain is connected to the Lord of the Rings books and/or films. In particular, the registration by you of the domain name constitutes a representation to persons who consult the Whois register that you are connected to or associated with the name registered and thus the owner of licensee of the goodwill in the name, which of course you are not."

All the company wants is for Mr Costelloe to realise his mistake and hand over the domain on which he has run an email business since September 2003. Let's look at that reasoning again.

Well, it would be impossible to argue with the legal letter's initial assertion: "shire" is extremely well known in the UK. In fact, it has been well known since around 600AD - not long after the Romans had wandered off. "Shire" in fact stems from the Saxon word "schyran", meaning to shear or divide. It has been used to divide up land for over a thousand years and a majority of counties that still exist in the UK today possess the suffix "shire" (see at the bottom). It was also the origin of the word "sheriff", stemming from "shire-reeve".

In fact, we don't think it would be too provocative to suggest that JRR Tolkien may have been inspired by over a thousand years of common history when he first came up
with the name "The Shire" as the idyllic home country of the books' main protagonists, the hobbits. However, the legal letter claims that "goodwill in the name has been achieved through sales of such books". Certainly The Shire sounded rather nice as presented in the fictional books, but we suspect the goodwill towards the area in which people live was there before Mr Tolkien even put pen to paper.

LINK

Thinking Fondly Of Mel

In light of Chris' recent revelation of Mel's little thing about coffins, I felt compelled to dredge up this little gem from Monty Python. Bon appetit!

***********************

Man: Um, excuse me, is this the undertaker's?
Undertaker: Yup, that's right, what can I do for you, squire?
Man: Um, well, I wonder if you can help me. My mother has just died and I'm not quite sure what I should do.
Undertaker: Ah, well, we can 'elp you. We deal with stiffs.
Man: Stiffs?
Undertaker: Yea. Now there's three things we can do with your mum. We can bury her, burn her, or dump her.
Man: Dump her?
Undertaker: Dump her in the Thames.
Man: What?
Undertaker: Oh, did you like her?
Man: Yes!
Undertaker: Oh well, we won't dump her, then. Well, what do you think: a burner, or a burier?
Man: Um, well, um, which would you recommend?
Undertaker: Well they're both nasty. If we burn her, she gets stuffed in the flames, crackle, crackle, crackle, which is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead. But quick. And then you get a box of ashes, which you can pretend are hers.
Man: Oh.
Undertaker: Or, if you don't wanna fry her, you can bury her. And then she'll get eaten up by maggots and weevils, nibble, nibble, nibble, which isn't so hot if, as I said, she's not quite dead.
Man: I see. Um. Well, I.. I.. I.. I'm not very sure. She's definitely dead.
Undertaker: Where is she?
Man: In the sack.
Undertaker: Let's 'ave a look.
Umm, she looks quite young.
Man: Yes, she was.
Undertaker: (over his shoulder) FRED!
Fred: (offstage) Yea!
Undertaker: I THINK WE'VE GOT AN EATER!
Fred: (offstage) I'll get the oven on!
Man: Um, er...excuse me, um, are you... are you suggesting we should eat my mother?
Undertaker: Yeah. Not raw, not raw. We cook her. She'd be delicious with a few french fries, a bit of broccoli and stuffing. Delicious! (smacks his lips)
Man: What!
Well, actually, I do feel a bit peckish - NO! No, I can't!
Undertaker: Look, we'll eat your mum. Then, if you feel a bit guilty about it afterwards, we can dig a grave and you can throw up into it.

Bury My Heart at Space Mountain

Last night I finalized the content on the SolidWorld web site (test copy) with Barry (the nice man who advanced me the $500 for my computer upgrade fiasco) as Melissa was seen by a doctor about her arm. She's in a black thumb & forearm brace now. (Melissa:"I call it my 'Fonzie Brace'. Thumbs up and 'Aaaaaayyy!'")

We stayed for dinner with her parents, Ron and Brenda. Over dinner, I mentioned that my friend Sam had found a web site called "FuneralDepot.com", where you could buy coffins with customized Shrink-wrap graphics on them. Anything from sports team logos, to Raphael's "Two Angels" painting, to my personal favorite, a brown paper package with the "Return to Sender" stamp. Then Ron mentioned that the new thing in coffins was "bio-degradable" coffins.

"Bio-Degradable?" I asked. "Oh yes, they're made of this revolutionary new material: WOOD! A square pine box, like the 1800's, but since it's now 'Bio-Degradable', it'll run you 20 grand."

"Well, *I* won't be buried at all," said Melissa. Something about my wife: She has this fear of coffins. It's an irrational fear, which is best described in "Rosencranz and Guildenstern are Dead":

Rosencrantz: Did you ever think of yourself as actually dead, lying in a box with a lid on it?
Guildenstern: No.
Rosencrantz: Nor do I, really. It's silly to be depressed by it. I mean, one thinks of it like being alive in a box. One keeps forgetting to take into account the fact that one is dead, which should make all the difference, shouldn't it? I mean, you'd never *know* you were in a box, would you? It would be just like you were asleep in a box. Not that I'd like to sleep in a box, mind you. Not without any air. You'd wake up dead for a start, and then where would you be? In a box. That's the bit I don't like, frankly. That's why I don't think of it. Because you'd be helpless, wouldn't you? Stuffed in a box like that. I mean, you'd be in there forever, even taking into account the fact that you're dead. It isn't a pleasant thought. Especially if you're dead, really. Ask yourself, if I asked you straight off, "I'm going to stuff you in this box. Now, would you rather be alive or dead?" naturally, you'd prefer to be alive. Life in a box is better than no life at all, I expect. You'd have a chance, at least. You could lie there thinking, "Well, at least I'm not dead. In a minute somebody is going to bang on the lid, and tell me to come out." [bangs on lid] "Hey you! What's your name? Come out of there!"
Guildenstern: [long pause] I think I'm going to kill you.

Her fear, however irrational I may think it, is real, and I respect that. So Melissa made me promise long ago to follow some very specific burial wishes. First, I am to have her cremated, then put her remains in some large drink cups. Then I am to take those cups and, as unobtrusively as possible, scatter them in Walt Disney World. A little in the "It's A Small World" ride, a little in the graveyard in front of "The Haunted Mansion" (where, incidentally, some of her uncle's ashes were scattered years ago), a little around the castle, and a little on Main Street USA.

If any remains... ah... REMAIN, I am to charter a plane and scatter them over the DisneyWorld grounds by air. A tall order, to be certain, but surprisingly not an uncommon one. Melissa posted her wishes on a Disney Message board a few years back, and at least thirty other people confessed to quietly placing family members' ashes around DisneyWorld. Kind of creepy, when you think about all the Dead People Bits in some place billed as "The Happiest Place on Earth." Maybe human remains is the secret behind the park's incredible landscaping. ("Disney Green is made of PEOPLE!!!")

Back to the story, Melissa reiterated that she would never be buried in a box. Just to argue, I said "That's what YOU think," and gave a grin. She grinned back, but it wasn't the silly grin I sent her, it was the one that implied great suffering on my part, should I say that again.

Her eyes narrowed. "If you bury me, I would haunt you," she vowed. "You're young, you might re-marry. And I would haunt you at very inopportune times. PRIVATE times."

"Yeah, in the bathroom, with a magazine," offered Ron.

Now I'm only 30, and I've only been married for six years, but this is what showed my age: When Ron mentioned a private (nudge, nudge) moment, me in the bathroom with a magazine, I did not picture what most people might have. I just saw myself, having my evening sit-down on the porcelain throne, with a copy of Reader's Digest. Honest to God.

I need to get out more.

After dinner, Melissa, Matthew and I packed into my green Taurus, which used to be Ron's company car. When he sold the Taurus to me, he got a gold Mercury Sable. A few months ago, they bought a new car for Brenda, and came home with another gold Sable. "Not the same," insisted Ron, "MY sable is gold, and Brenda's is Gold ASH. Kind of greenish, if you squint. Plus hers doesn't have the center console." But to any rational person, it appears that they have two identical gold Sables sitting in the driveway.

As I unlocking my car, I accidentally hit the lock button again, triggering a brief honk, telling me the car was securely locked. Ron, never missing an opportunity, grabbed both Sable key rings and proceeded to honk them alternately. "Oh, THAT's how you tell the cars apart," I said, "Brenda's horn is one note down from yours?"

Brenda gave me a look. We all kept harping on this issue because we knew she hated it. "That car was all we could afford," she said, pointing down the driveway, "so no, I don't care if it looks a lot like Ron's."

Ron gave a laugh. "Honey, That's MY car. Yours is over there."

British Defence: iPod is Weapon of Mass Deletion

See my previous report on "The iPod Threat". You'd think that older, more real security threats like Kevin Mitnick's "Social Engineering" would get more attention, but I guess not.

LONDON (Reuters) - Music fans, beware: the Ministry of Defence has become the latest organisation to add the iPod to its list of high-tech security risks.

The pocket-sized digital music player, which can store thousands of songs, is one of a series of banned gadgets that the military will no longer allow into most sections of its headquarters in the UK and abroad.

Devices with large storage capabilities -- most notably those with a Universal Serial Bus (or USB) plug used to connect to a computer -- have been treated with greater suspicion of late by government agencies and corporations alike. The fear is that the gadgets can be used to siphon information from a computer, turning a seemingly innocuous device into a handy tool for data thieves.

"With USB devices, if you plug it straight into the computer you can bypass passwords and get right on the system," RAF Wing Commander Peter D'Ardenne told Reuters on Tuesday. "That's why we had to plug that gap," he said, adding that the policy was put into effect when the MoD switched to the USB-friendly Microsoft XP operating system over the past year.

Bush's Service Record "Accidentally" Destroyed

NEW YORK (Reuters) - The Pentagon says military records related to President Bush's service in the National Guard more than 30 years ago were inadvertently destroyed, The New York Times reported on Friday.

Payroll records of "numerous service members," including Bush, were ruined in 1996 and 1997 during a project to salvage deteriorating microfilm by the Defense Finance and Accounting Service, the newspaper said, citing the Pentagon.

Bush's whereabouts during his service in the National Guard during the Vietnam War have become an election-year issue, with some Democrats accusing him of shirking his duty.

The destroyed files cover three months of a period in 1972 and 1973 when Bush's claims of service in Alabama are in question, the newspaper said. No back-up paper copies of the records could be found, the Pentagon said in notices dated June 25, according to the Times.

In February, the White House released hundreds of pages of Bush's military records. Those records did not provide new evidence to place Bush in Alabama during the latter part of 1972, when some Democrats say he was basically absent without leave.

LINK(Yahoo)

As Justin pointed out, Kerry's Military record has some rough spots, but at least he has proof that he was THERE.

Dogs For Epileptics

This was just so interesting that I had to share! A friend of mine has an epileptic son (and a new dog)and would probably want to know this.

Canadian researchers writing in the journal Neurology in June reported that 18 of 122 dogs belonging to epileptic children were able to sense, minutes ahead of time, when a child was about to have a seizure, and about 30 others showed unique reactions to a seizure event (including in some cases trying to protect the child from danger). Also in June, researchers at Germany's Max Planck Institute reported that Rico, a border collie they have studied for several years, can distinguish by name more than 200 objects and can even figure out the names of unfamiliar objects associated with familiar ones (attributed, as in the epilepsy cases, to the dog's high sensitivity to sight, sound and motion). [Detroit Free Press, 6-22- 04] [Reuters, 6-10-04]

Broadband by Blimp

Maybe those advertising zepplins we see in "Blade Runner" are actually functional...

A company aiming to bring broadband to the masses via tiny airships next week plans to dot Atlanta's skies with a flotilla of low-orbiting "stratellites."

According to Sanswire Networks, fixed wireless equipment on land will send a signal to antennae in stratellites floating high over the city, then to designated areas on the ground. The stratellites are similar to satellites in concept, but they are stationed in the stratosphere like unmanned airships rather than being put in orbit. The company plans to demonstrate applications using IP-based voice and video over the stratellite connection.

A broadband network based on tiny airships isn't as farfetched as it seems. A commercial balloon-based IP network, owned by Space Data, began operating in April. Its network is used to monitor gas and oil field employees in a 400-mile area of the Permian Basin region in the western part of Texas.

Attention on nontraditional ways of getting broadband has increased now that President Bush and opponent John Kerry are focusing their campaigns on improving on the relatively few broadband-connected homes and offices in the United States. Many of the underserved areas are too expensive to reach by telephone or cable network, the dominant way broadband is doled out.

Stratellites can be positioned much lower in the sky than balloon-based IP networks. That makes it faster to send photos, e-mails or other forms of uploading onto the Internet.

LINK(CNet)

Broadway cast for "Spamalot" Announced

If you've been waiting for Broadway to become cool again, the wait is now officially over.

NEW YORK (Reuters) -- David Hyde Pierce, Tim Curry and Hank Azaria were named Wednesday as the leading trio for next year's Broadway-bound production of Monty Python's "Spamalot."

"Spamalot," to be directed by Oscar and Tony Award winner Mike Nichols, is billed as "the musical lovingly ripped off from the motion picture, 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail,"' the 1975 comedy directed by Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones.

It tells the tale of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table and their quest for the Holy Grail. A chorus line of dancing divas and knights, flatulent Frenchmen, killer rabbits and one legless knight are featured.

Pierce, who was Dr. Niles Crane in the long-running U.S. sitcom "Frasier," will play Sir Robin. Curry, known for his star turn in the cult film, "The Rocky Horror Picture Show," will play King Arthur. Azaria, best known as the voice of Moe the bartender on the animated series "The Simpsons," will portray Sir Lancelot.

The corresponding film roles were performed by Eric Idle, Graham Chapman and John Cleese of the British comedy troupe.

Idle wrote the book for the new musical and collaborated on the music and lyrics with John Du Prez, whose film scores include the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" series and the hit, "A Fish Called Wanda."

The show is scheduled to have a world premiere engagement in Chicago, Illinois, from December 21, 2004, to January 16, 2005, before beginning Broadway previews on February 7.

LINK(CNN)

The Kerry/Edwards/McCain/Gephardt Ticket

What a strange and terrible irony it is that has settled upon the head and about the faces of John F(ing) Kerry. For three decades, the Poodle has been carefully painting his master work. It was only very recently, though, that his Frenchness realized that this master work was a kitchen floor and that he'd painted himself into a corner.

Since his astoundingly brave leadership in Vietnam - you DID know he was in Vietnam, didn't you? - he has aimed his entire career towards the Presidency. Never mind the fact that he has never help a private sector job in his life. Never mind that he has never lead a single passed legislative initiative in his career in the Senate. Through all of the twists and turns - there have been plenty of those - he has always kept his eye on the prize that can only be found in the Oval Office.

Monsieur le Souffle elected to accomplish this goal at the expense of his integrity. You will note, Faithful Reader, that I am giving him the benefit of the doubt and presuming that he had personal integrity in the first place.

John Kerry has developed a reputation as being the most liberal member of the Senate, outstripping others like Ted (Don't like my driving?) Kennedy. Whether by accident or by design, this was a brilliant course of action for him. By becoming the poster child for American Socialism, Kerry endeared himself to much of the media.

It's a strange phenomenon, and not one that I think the United States shares with many other nations. While the major media outlets of our country - television stations, newspapers, newsmagazines, etc. - tend to be owned by conservatives, they also tend to be staffed by staunch liberals. This raises the question that liberals generally tend to detest: did the owners become conservative with their money because they were wealthy, or did they become wealthy by being conservative with their spending? If you ever want to see a 25 year old, lemony-fresh, brand new reporter squirm, ask them to answer the question and then back up their answer with logic.

John Kerry embraced the liberal cause and the rise of American Socialism. The media, in turn, draped their armor over this new champion and sent him into battle with their blessings.

To be generous, it can be said that John Kerry is fair-minded. In fact, one might say that he has an uncanny knack for seeing any issue from multiple sides. To be less than generous, one could say that his convictions and moral standing are as stable as a weather vane. He began by announcing that he was proud of his service in Vietnam, then proclaimed that he is ashamed of what he claimed every American serviceman did in that country. He made a show of throwing away his medals, only to have them turn out not to have been HIS. Coming out in support of a strong national defense, he consistently voted against defense spending and wants our sovereign nation to only defend itself when a majority of other nations (UN) agrees to allow us to do so. While wearing his religion as a badge of honor, he openly supports laws that contradict his supposedly close-held beliefs. He pledged before God, family and witnesses to love, honor and cherish his wife. He then elected to have that marriage annulled by the Catholic church in order to marry another woman, declaring his children from that marriage to be illegitimate bastards. He took an oath to represent the citizens of his state in the Senate, but has shirked his duties in favor of going on the campaign trail, rather than resigning his post. The list goes on and on, and it is ended with the most recent and best-publicized example of his dual nature. He, John Kerry, voted for the war before he voted against it.

We all were recently informed of Senator Kerry's selection of North Carolina Senator John Edwards as his running mate. While both were vying for the Democratic Party nomination, Kerry had nothing good to say about this man. He criticized his age, his inexperience in politics and his previous profession. I don't claim to know exactly why John Kerry chose John Edwards as a running mate, though I have ideas. Knowing Kerry's past, though, raises an interesting question: HOW DID JOHN KERRY FEEL WHEN A CAMPAIGN ADVISOR TOLD HIM YESTERDAY THAT NO, HE CANNOT CHANGE HIS MIND ON WHO WILL BE HIS RUNNING MATE?

If I were John Edwards, I would feel like a new bride, wedded to a man whose previous seven spouses had all died of strange accidents.

This is going to be an interesting year, folks.

Potter on the Brain

I think that I've been doing a little too much Harry Potter as of late. Case and point: When I heard a radio commercial for "Floor & Decor" this morning, I could have sworn I heard "Fleur Delacour".

The Yankees Effect

As usual, Vaughan puts into perspective topics that Americans don't hear anything about. A girl who jumped into a latrine to save three adorable kittens? She's booked solid on all the talk shows and plastered all over the papers. She'll probably get a book deal out of it.

The EU, or any European news for that matter? Two articles, back of page 17, underneath the department store ads. Unless it's about EU nations not supporting our Crusade in the Middle East, it's no news in today's press.

Since America is such a huge landmass, and since we are hardly ever found wanting of anything, we can effectively think as if we're self-contained. As a nation, we're near-sighted in global matters because we've been a superpower since the end of WWII, and it's made us cocky. Every now and again, we have a humbling moment like the Bay of Pigs or Vietnam to remind us that we're not omnipotent. Make no mistake, Vietnam was a tragedy on an unprecedented scale, but America needed to learn a lesson in humility. The larger tragedy is that many have dismissed the failure (or "a draw" as Kevin Kline's character insists,) as a one-off, and refused to learn from it at all.

Though I'm not a sports fan in the least, I'll attempt a baseball analogy here. America's war efforts are like the New York Yankees.

The Yankees win because they can afford to pump insane amounts of money into the franchise and buy the greatest players. The individual players may despise each other and refuse to work together, but they're individually at the top of their game. The team has won so much that it hardly seems like an effort anymore. There's so many games throughout the season, only the die-hard fans watch all of them. The only time a game is news is when it's the World Series, or when a team actually beats them. And when any team has the audacity to beat them, the fans unite against a common enemy with a level of hatred usually reserved for murderers.

Take it down a level, and look at the people. The Yankee Fans are vaguely aware of other teams, Los Angeles, Minnesota, Chicago, Atlanta and such, since they occasionally play against the Yankees. But they don't give a second thought to the fact that these teams are whole different CITIES. Places with different fans, different industries, whole different cultures and personalities than their own. Places made up of people working, raising families, struggling to make ends meet, dealing with problems just like their own. Most Yankee fans have never been to these other cities, so the places aren't real in their minds. Just places you see pictures of or read about, not REAL places like here.

America is by no means alone in putting their own interests before other nations. All countries do that, it's self-preservation. But America takes the blue ribbon for disinterest in the world community. It's an amazing disconnect between the American military and the people: The Military has their hands in almost every conflict above the skirmish level across the globe, while the people rarely care about anything outside their own city.

So it's the total opposite of the famous activist slogan "Think Globally, Act Locally": America, in fact, Thinks Locally and Acts Globally.

State of the European Union

From our U.K. Correspondent, Vaughan Nash:

So here we sit, on the outside of Europe looking in. Mr. Blair has signed us up for the new EU constitution, along with the other twenty four nations in our ever expanding family.

So what does it all mean?

The French idea is to create a European superstate which would have a far bigger combined population than the U.S. and the worlds' largest economy. Naturally, as instigators of the plan, the French would wield significant influence! Germany and Belgium are also keen on the idea.

Other countries, notably the U.K., the Netherlands and newer members like Poland want the EU to continue as it began - principally as a completely open trading environment with freedom of movement and labour. Spain, Italy and the other countries line up in a spectrum between the two.

Greece does not want Turkey in, even though Turkey wants to join. Turkey is barely part of Europe. Greeks and Turks hate one another, and have done for ever. So the Greeks veto Turkey. The French back the Greeks. The Germans and the Brits want Turkey in. The Swiss and Norwegians don't want to join. Nobody wants Serbia to join. Russia might join in the future, at which point Serbia will have at least one friend.

Some countries don't want Russia in. Some countries want Russia in. The Poles and the Brits and the Italians have troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. So does the Ukraine. They are not in the EU. Spain has withdrawn. France and Germany oppose any troops in Iraq.

So just how, for example, is a European army supposed to work? We are more likely to be able to build a house with jelly ( that's jello to you! ) than agree what to do in a crisis.

The only saving grace is that the electorate in each country has to ratify the treaty. Mr.Blair ( must stop mentioning him, down to my last sickbag) has
promised us our Referendum in 2006! Why wait? There is a General Election here in between. Which he would lose if he lost the referendum. And he WILL lose the referendum.

The plain fact is, as we sit in our jeans chomping a BigMac and drinking a Coke ( or diet coke in my case, got all the weight off and don't want to be a fat batch again! ) we just don't quite feel ready to be part of a European superstate. Not even when our guard is down on vacation in Florida.

Europe needs the U.K. for many reasons: Our oil. Our armed forces. London is the worlds' second largest financial centre. Our fishing grounds. Our influence in the Middle East. Our influence in the Commonwealth countries. Our influence in the U.S. Our currency, which would strengthen the Euro. Our tax revenues. Our booming economy, which employs ever more Europeans and is the most successful in the EU. Our major airports and shipping links. I could go on.

The obvious question is what happens next, when some countries vote against further integration? Answers on a postcard please to :

Msr. Chirac
President of the United States of Europe
Some Palace, Paris, EU1

Kung-Fu Melissa

Melissa encountered a Tae Kwon Do sparring partner that was a bit too aggressive last night. The girl she was paired up with for "light contact" sparring was coming at her full-bore, to the point of spraining Mel's left arm. The sound of the impact was heard outside. Even after that, she kept on coming at Melissa.

The only way to stop this girl was to shut her down. So Melissa, the gentle mother of my child, promptly dislocated the girl's shoulder with a well-placed round kick. Good on yeh, Melisser!

(Mel is laying off the Tae Kwon Do for a week to let the arm heal. )