| Nasty, Tricks-y Habits-es |  |
*** Too Much Information Warning: Disgusting Personal Details ***
I should have seen the signs earlier. As a child, I sucked my thumb until I was 12 years old. My parents tried everything, even putting Tabasco and alum on my thumb to keep it put of my mouth, but nothing seemed to work. I needed extensive dental work because of the habit, since it made my front teeth grow out at nearly a 45 degree angle. I eventually gave that up, but other, nastier habits remain.
I have always bit and tore my fingernails until the cuticle was painfully exposed. My front teeth are chipped from the constant nail-biting. I even chewed the edges into the skin. Today, the flesh around my nails is permanently dented and worn. I sometimes chew my lips until they hurt to be exposed to air.
I pluck out my hair, from my head, eyebrows, nose, arms and face. My idle hands search out lone hairs, or simply ones longer than its neighbors, and pull them out from the root. When I was young, I gave myself a bald patch on the top of my head by pulling out a handful of them, one by one. It gets worse when I grow a beard. This is called Trichotillomania, and it's the reason that my friend Kristina has no eyebrows or eyelashes. My friend Frances claims that most serial killers share this trait with me.
Some of these are nervous habits, where I need to be doing something with my hands. As I walk down hallways, I can't resist running my fingers along the wall as I go. I have always needed something in my mouth, which led to a weight problem that persists to this day. My excess eating is hardly ever due to hunger. Recently, I've learned to keep this under control by chewing gum for most of the day. However, that's a bad habit itself, as we see from Violet's fate in "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory."
My habits get worse when I am under stress, which is almost constantly as of late. My company has had layoffs every quarter for two years, and even had one in the Little Rock office while I was there last week. My job sometimes requires me to wait for replies from other employees, when there is nothing else to do in the interim. At a computer, I *ALWAYS* have to be doing something or else I go mad. With access to the internet, and hours of waiting time during the week, the temptation of the web has to be forcefully denied.
Stress from a former friend's life, and his recent departure, has piled it on further, and the stress of my trip to Little Rock (the first of four), has topped it off. It's become so bad that I have renewed an old habit that I put behind me years ago: I've started smoking again.
It started off as just one, when I had a particularly stressful day, so I could calm down and get back to work. But with the fairly consistent stress of the past month, I've fallen back into my old habit fully. This one is the most aggrivating, because I can't stand the stuff. I hate what it does to my hands and clothes, I hate the smell, I hate the taste in my mouth, and I know what it does to Melissa's allergies. I was especially bad when I was out in Little Rock last week. The combination of stress and boredom has become my own personal Scylla and Charybdis, which I cannot pass.
I own a laundry list of OCD/ADD habits, and now, one nasty bugger that could kill me outright. I am sharing these with you few because I need your help in controlling them. Most of the time, the lesser habits are done unconsciously, and if I recognize what I am doing, I can usually stop. So if you see me engaging in these, please tell me to quit it. Since I hardly ever smoke around others, I'll have to break myself of that, but I'll still need your support.
Over the next few months, I will focus on the root of my problem, which is my stress levels. I'll try to restructure my work and possibly seek some counseling sessions. Everything from Hypnosis to medication has been found effective in stopping most of these habits, so I'll do my homework and see what is best for me.
As I told Melissa, you people are not the problem. You might not have ever seen me do these things before, and the reason is simple: You do not cause me stress. Quite the opposite, your collective presence relieves it, so I have almost no need to engage in the habits, (with the exception of munching on the snack table at Jay's house).
Relax, I am not having a mental breakdown or Mid-Life crisis. These habits have been with me as long as I can remember. I've just become fed up with having them, and the cigarettes were just the last straw. I need to rid myself of them, and I've decided to finally confront them head-on.
So I apologize for grossing you out, and I ask for your help. Tell me when I'm doing these things and you will help me get these habits under control. Send me your good JuJu vibes or prayers, and I know that I can work through this. Wish me luck.
